I teach incarcerated men how to be good dads.

In my last post, Making a Connection, I talked about making a connection with my students on the first day of class and why that’s so important.

I also mentioned that most of my incarcerated dads do not know how to be good dads. They either grew up without a good role model or had a bad role model.

I want to give my students some practical guidance to take away from their first day of class. I also want to instill a sense of hope that being a good dad is within their grasp.

How to be a good dad

So I say, “I want to tell you how to be a good dad. And I can do it in 5 words. Would you be interested?”

Now I have their attention.

“First, let me tell you what I consider to be a good dad. I call these the 4 Objectives.” Then I teach the following:

1. A good dad knows how to strengthen his relationships with his children.
2. A good dad knows how to reduce misbehavior and increase cooperation.
3. A good dad knows how to increase the odds his children will make good choices even when he is not around; even in the face of peer pressure.
4. A good dad knows how to build a strong family where his children learn and practice good values.

On the white board, I’ve made a list that looks like this:

1. Relationships
2. Cooperation
3. Good choices
4. Good values

I have to keep things simple, because most of my students are starting their road to being a good dad RIGHT NOW.

After some discussion I say, “Now for the million-dollar question. How do you meet These 4 Objectives? I’m going to tell you in 5 words. Probably the most powerful 5 words a dad can live by.”

Then I write this on the board:

Meet the 4 Emotional Needs

I pause to let that sink in.

Then I tell them:

All children are born with four emotional needs that are wired into their brains.

Every child craves to have these needs met. They can’t help but seek after them. It’s what they were born to do. It’s one thing you can always count on.

Meeting these four emotional needs is the key to achieving the 4 Objectives.

Failure to meet the needs

If you fail to meet these needs, whether you know about them or not, here’s what you can expect:

1. The relationships you have with your children will suffer.
2. Unwanted behavior will be the norm.
3. The odds that your child will make good choices will dramatically go down.
4. You will have a hard time getting your kids to learn and practice good values.

Focus on the cause of the behavior

I tell my students that many dads who want to improve their child’s behavior focus on their child’s behavior instead of focusing on what’s causing it.

They try to improve behavior by using methods of control, like punishing, threatening, lecturing, spanking, bribing and screaming.

They do these things because they don’t know a better way, and because these methods of control work—but only for a short time.

Misbehavior is guaranteed to return. Why? Because the root-cause of the misbehavior is still driving the behavior.

I tell my students that when you spend more time on meeting the 4 Emotional Needs, you’ll find you no longer need to use methods of control to achieve the 4 Objectives.

When you meet the 4 Emotional Needs, you automatically achieve the 4 Objectives, naturally.

Here are the 4 Emotional Needs:

1. A sense of belonging
2. A sense of personal power
3. To be heard and understood
4. Boundaries

On the white board, I have written the following:

Then I say, “I want to help you understand the 4 Emotional Needs. Then I will show you 10 dad-skills to meet those needs.”

In the next post, The 4 Emotional Needs part 1, I talk more about what they mean and why they are so important. Once you know that, you will be able to practice the 10 dad-skills with confidence.