I teach incarcerated men how to be good dads.

The last post was my first post about teaching incarcerated dads. In this post I talk about making a connection on the first day of class.

First day of class.

I’ve discovered that until I’ve made a connection with my students, they will not be receptive to what I teach. (Same as with children.) I try to do this by 1) meeting their need for a sense of belonging and 2) meeting their need to be heard and understood.

You will recall, these are two of the 4 emotional needs that all children have. Do adults have these needs too. I would argue they do. In fact, I maintain that YOU had these 4 emotional needs when you were young – and that you still do.

Here again, are the 4 Emotional Needs:

1. A sense of belonging
2. A sense of personal power
3. To be heard and understood
4. Limits and boundaries

Introductions

I start by introducing myself and the curricula. Then I turn my attention to them and ask them to introduce themselves. I start by asking them to answer three simple questions.

1. Number of children
2. Ages
3. Hobby

Over the following weeks, I learn some interesting things about my students’ backgrounds.

• One was a pro MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) fighter
• One was a professional bull rider
• I’ve had many students who were very good artists
• One was a professional race horse trainer
• I’ve had some students who were wealthy businessmen
• Some were long-haul truck drivers.
• Then there were some who made a living selling and trafficking drugs.

One of the interesting things about my job is learning about my students.

Just a bunch of dads

I introduce a ritual that I want all my students to do every time they enter my classroom.

I ask them to knock on the door frame as they enter. This symbolizes that they leave the jail behind them when they enter this room. This room is an oasis. We are just a bunch of dads helping each other to become better dads.

Then I have everybody stand up, go to the door, and knock on the door frame.

“Thank you,” I say. “Now there are no inmates in here. We’re just a bunch of dads helping each other be better dads.”

What happens in Vegas…

I ask, “What do they say about Las Vegas?” Someone always says, “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.”

“That’s right,” I say. “I want to apply that saying to this class. What happens in this class stays in this class. We will be talking about some sensitive issues. There might even be some tears. I don’t want anyone using what they saw or heard in this class to hurt or embarrass another student at any time. If you agree with that, raise your hand.”

I’ve never had anyone not agree.

What do you want to learn?

I want to find out what everyone wants to learn from this class. Most of their answers a pretty vague and non-specific.

• I want to be a good dad.
• I never had a dad so I don’t know what to do.
• My dad beat me a lot, and I don’t want to be like him.
• I just want to know how to raise kids.
• How do I develop a relationship with my children?
• How do I get along with my baby momma (mother of my children)?

As we get to know each other better, they start to form connections with the other dads and we start to build some trust withing the group. We start to meet a need for a sense of belonging.

As they contribute to the conversation and express their concerns and feelings, I try to meet their needs to be heard and understood. I listen and reflect. I might say,

• “That’s gotta be tough.”
• “I can see why that would make you angry.”
• “Man, as I listen to you, I can feel your frustration.”

I’ve had an opportunity to listen to hundreds of incarcerated dads express their feelings, and I’ve come to this conclusion:

Most of my students grew up with their need to be heard and understood go unmet.

When that need goes unmet, children bottle up their distressed feelings like anger, frustration, embarrassment and hate.

Those feelings drive their behavior and can cause:

• Violence
• Drug use
• Casual sex
• Uncontrolled anger
• Acts of defiance
• Crime and incarceration
• Depression
• Thought of suicide

What if, during their young lives, my students’ need to be heard and understood was met?

What if those negative feeling were released instead of bottled up?

Would they have still gone down a path leading to prison?

Something to think about?

I’m going to end this post here. I hope I’ve communicated how interesting I think my job is, and how I make a connection with each of my students.

In the next post, I tell my students how to be a good dad in five words. To go to the next post click here.