I’m going to ask a question and I’m pretty sure you know the answer because the answer is something that you grew up hearing from the people who raised you, your friends, your enemies, TV shows, commercials, and movies.

What is a real man? 

I’ve done a lot of research into what a real man is, and I have discovered its true meaning. 

The term “real man” is whatever someone wants it to mean.

It can be qualities of a man that someone admires. For example:  

• A real man protects, provides, loves you just the way you are
• A real man is sensitive to your needs
• A real man encourages you

Some people will use “real man” to break you down. An example: 

Stop with the tears. Stop with the emotion. A real man doesn’t cry.

Some people will use “real man” to build you up, like

A real man is not afraid to show his feelings. So… it’s ok to cry.

Some people will compare you with a real man to get you to change, like

A real man would never treat a woman like that.

I was jogging early one morning. It was cloudy. I got to the place where I turn around and come back, and it started to rain. I thought this is miserable. Then this thought came to me: Anyone can be a fair-weather jogger, but it takes a real man to go jogging in the rain.  

I felt empowered. Bring it! 

So anytime I’m faced with a challenge, I think to myself: Anyone can take the easy road, but it takes a real man to take the hard road. 

Here’s an exercise I do with the incarcerated fathers I teach: 

Fill in the blanks:  Anyone can _________. But it takes a real man to _________. 

Examples:

Anyone can go to jail. But it takes a real man to leave a better person than when he arrived.

Anyone can eat at a restaurant. It takes a real man to endure prison food.

Anyone can live with a friend. But it takes a real man to endure my cell mate.

Anyone can be a sperm donner. But it takes a real man to be a dad

Coffee Bean 

I want to tell you a story about the carrot, the egg, and the coffee bean, and suggest that a real man is a coffee bean.

I want you to imagine life is like a pot of boiling water. Anything we put in that pot of boiling water is going to be changed by the heat of that water. I’m going to put three things in that pot of boiling water and watch how they change: a carrot, an egg, and a coffee bean. 

First, the carrot. When I put a carrot into that pot of boiling water (called life), what happens to that carrot? It turns soft. That’s right, the carrot changed. It went in the boiling water strong and hard and it got soft. The carrot got beat down by the boiling water.

Life is difficult, with pain and challenges. But don’t be like the carrot and go soft and give up. 

Clint Eastwood as the Outlaw Jose Wales was getting some people ready for an Indian attack. He said,

“Now remember, when things look bad and it looks like you’re not going to make it, then you gotta get mean. I mean plum mad dog mean. ‘Cause if you lose your head and you give up, then you neither live nor win. That’s just the way it is.”

Watch the movie clip here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8VxaIVluQCk

So, don’t be like the carrot and go soft and give up. 

What about the egg? When I put the egg in that pot of boiling water (called life), the egg goes hard. You do not want to be the egg and let the boiling water make you hard on the inside.

After a death, a divorce, a financial hardship, or whatever difficulty you experience, it’s easy to be bitter and harden your heart. But you don’t want life to make your heart go hard. Because if your heart goes hard, you become incapable of giving and receiving love.  

That brings us to the coffee bean – When I put the coffee bean in that pot of boiling water (called life), what happens? Rather than the boiling water changing the coffee bean, the coffee bean changes the boiling water – to coffee.

The coffee bean, the smallest of these three things, has the power to change the entire pot of boiling water. It changes its environment.  

Just like the coffee bean, you have the power the change your environment.

Here’s how it works. Everybody puts out energy. That energy can be negative or positive. Whatever kind of energy you put out, you get back.

If you walk around weak and soft like the carrot, or with a hard heart, like the egg, the chances of having a positive effect on your environment will be small.  

But if you walk around, shoulders back, feeling like a coffee bean, then you will have a positive effect on your environment; on the people around you – on your children, on your family. And here’s another benefit. The other coffee beans will find YOU because of your positive energy.

In the next post, you will learn the three steps to becoming a coffee bean.