I teach incarcerate men how to be good dads.
In the last post, I made the suggestion that you take on only one new dad-skill at a time. Get good at it. Make it a habit. Then choose the next dad-skill to work on. I also suggested you do it with a sense of urgency.
I tell my students, “This is the skill I want you to learn first.”
Over the last 5 posts, I have referred to this picture on the whiteboard:
All of the dad-skills work better when you master this one first.
Spending one-on-one time is the most important dad-skill for meeting your children’s need for a sense of belonging, and making them feel valued and important.
It’s also the most effective way of reducing negative attention-seeking behaviors.
You’ll be amazed at the changes this dad-skill will bring to your relationship with your children within just a few days.
Here’s how it works.
Dad spends uninterrupted time with each child, every day, doing what the child likes to do.
Let’s break that down.
1. Uninterrupted time
That means avoid distractions. Silence your phone. Give your child the feeling that he or she is the most important person in the world to you, and deserving of 100% of your attention.
2. With each child
Children need your undivided, exclusive attention. That means time alone with you, no competition from brothers or sisters – just you and no one else.
3. Every day
Your child needs to feel a sense of belonging every day. She needs to feel valued and important every day. She needs one-on-one time with you every day.
If she does not feel a sense of belonging, she will go after it by doing things to get your attention.
That may include interrupting, teasing, throwing tantrums, whining and getting into trouble. She will use all sorts of attention-getting behavior to meet her need.
If she continues for years without this need being met, she may resort to destructive behaviors like:
- Drugs and alcohol
- Casual sex
- Gang involvement
- Crime
Her need for a sense of belonging is that strong!
What we call misbehavior is her way of saying, “I don’t feel valued. I need your exclusive attention.”
When your child does something that makes you feel annoyed, irritated, or interrupted, that is your child trying to meet her own need for a sense of belonging.
That is a red flag that she needs one-on-one time with you, NOW.
If you still find it impossible to spend uninterrupted time with each child, every day, doing what the child likes to do, do the best you can.
But remember, the longer you wait, the worse the behavior will become.
I wouldn’t be so bold encouraging you to spend one-on-one time every day if I wasn’t so certain that it is THE MOST important thing you can do.
4. Doing what the child likes to do
Let your child choose the activity, or do something you know your child enjoys doing. This will also help meet your child’s need for personal power. Give your child the feeling that he is in charge, that he is the boss for the short time you are together.
What I’m told by incarcerated men
My students tell me that gangs meet a person’s need for a sense of belonging. They say many kids join gangs because they cannot get that need met at home.
Many of my students did not get their need for a sense of belonging met when they were young. No one spent one-on-one time with them.
I believe that the lack of a sense of belonging contributed to their becoming involved in drug and alcohol abuse, casual sex, gang involvement, and crime – which eventually led to their incarceration.
Another author’s opinion
In her book, If I Have to Tell You One More Time…, Amy McCready offers some useful advice when she says,
“There is a direct relationship between quality time invested and behavior. When we invest in one-on-one special time with our kids, the return on the investment will be a reduction in attention-seeking behaviors and power struggles, and an increase in cooperation. If we don’t make the investment, we are going to spend at least that same amount of time dealing with negative behaviors.”
Spending one-on-one time with each of your children is the most powerful way to enhance your relationships, boost cooperation, increase the odds your children will make good choices, and help each of your children to thrive.
Moving Forward
I hope I’ve convinced you how important it is to work on this skill. In the next post, I will provide a list of possible activities you can do with your children to get you started.