I teach incarcerate men how to be good dads.
In my last post, The 4 Emotional Needs part 1, I taught that dads should shift their focus from trying to control their children’s behavior to meeting their four Emotional Needs. Then I discussed the first two emotional needs.
In this post I describe the last 2 emotional needs.
I have written the following on the whiteboard:
To be Heard and Understood
The third need all children have is to be heard and understood.
Unlike the first two needs, children cannot meet this need on their own. It requires another person.
When children are in distress but are denied the opportunity to express their hurt feelings, that need to be heard and understood goes unmet. When that need goes unmet, children end up suppressing their painful feelings.
If this need continues to go unmet for a long time, the stored-up emotional pain can result in acts of defiance, depression and addictions.
However, by meeting a child’s need to be heard and understood, the child is given the freedom to let go of his distressing feelings. When that happens, he becomes more able to think clearly and solve his own problem.
Boundaries
The fourth need is boundaries.
Clear, enforced boundaries make children feel safe, secure, and confident their parents care about them.
Boundaries are necessary to provide a sense of order in the household, keep kids safe, and teach them to respect themselves, their surroundings, and other people.
As the dad, you set boundaries by setting rules and making requests.
Rules actually teach kids to set limits for themselves, which is otherwise known as self-discipline. Rules teach self-discipline.
One thing that is handy to know is this:
Children rarely recognize limits and boundaries until they test them. That’s why it’s important to be ready and know what to do when that happens.
Gangs
An interesting thing happens to some of my students at this point in the discussion.
A lightbulb goes on.
Someone will say:
Gangs meet the 4 Emotional Needs.
I’ll say, “Gangs meet the 4 Emotional Needs?”
They’ll say, “Yeah, they do.”
Think about it.
If you do not meet your children’s 4 Emotional Needs, they may go somewhere else where those needs can be met. And that could have a dramatic negative effect on their lives for the rest of their lives.
Moving Forward
At this point I tell my students, “Now that you know about the 4 Emotional Needs and why it’s important to meet them, I hope you’re asking yourselves, ‘How am I supposed to meet these needs?’ You meet the 4 Emotional Needs by practicing dad-skills that I’m going to share with you.”
Then I add a new heading to my diagram on the whiteboard: Dad-Skills.
In the next post I introduce the dad-skills you will use to meet the 4 Emotional Needs.